Green Laser Phenomenon

There has been some chaos in BMX as of lately with the whole green laser pointer phenomenon growing. Over the course of the last year I was exposed to the lasers from a distance. Keeping my curiosity to a controllable level without really any over the top temptation of needing to make a purchase of one of these 50mw eye burning, distance shooting, sign explosion devices. That was until Baco…

I’ve known Catfish had the lasers for the last year, and he had told me time and time again incredible things about them. I always joked and said I needed to get one from him. Never really amounting to anything just because he’s everywhere in the world besides Minnesota 100% of the time. We crossed paths a few times over the course of the last year and usually it slipped my mind when we were talking, or he didn’t have it on him at the time (which is kind of a surprise).

That was until I rolled into the 4Seasons parking lot while honking my obnoxious Honda baby horn behind his custom train horn in his car. He jumped out and said something along the lines of “hey, watch this!” and blasted a building with the laser a mile or two away. Then proceeded to make a light explosion on an exit sign on I-94 that cuts through Milwaukee.
“Holy shit”
That’s all I could come up with… It was better than I expected, and I knew I needed to play with one of these. The chances grew greatly as more and more people rolled into town. By the time Baco was fully underway there was about 10 lasers blasting from all corners of the building. I’m willing to bet there was no more than 2 minutes without a beam of light targeting somebody. Fast foward to the after parties and there was a laser every time you turned or took a drink of the Red Bull beer (I know, I didn’t know they made beer either… lol).

So fast forward a few days after Baco and I’m talking to Micah Kranz about the good times we had. Then he gives me a link… Oh yes, this sought after secret of where to get these gems. I was accepted into this inner circle of laser. I had one of these bad boys on order within minutes and sadly, it would take about a week to get due to Christmas fucking the mail system up.

The day after New Years day my mail box was attacked and there was my new baby. Have you ever had something come into your life that has brought this smile to your face every time you see or think about it? How about something that can make you giggle like a little girl? That’s what these things do to a full grown man with chest hair. The party had just begun.

I took a brief laser driving test during Baco shining multiple women in the no-no places, and a few unruly BMXers in the eyes. I’ve come to the conclusion that any first time laser user needs some sort of “training” or at least words of advice because the second you realize how powerful these things are, you instantly want to fuck with anything and everything. I generally warn people that you can get something like 5 years in prison for shooting a plane (you bet your ass it could shine one) and that you will probably get your ass kicked if it rubs that giant man you want to shine in the eyes the wrong way. That, and if a cop sees you shining it at the bar across from the police station that they will probably assume it’s a pointer on a gun of some sort. It’s one of those “with this gift comes excessive responsibility” kind of things.

“What’s so fun about a laser? I mean you can just shine a dot of light on something… That would be cool for like a minute.” That’s what you would think. Since I’ve taken one in as my own I’ve done a couple things that already made it worthwhile. The first night I had it, I was driving and just seeing what I could hit with it. I realized road signs with the metallic features lead to some crazy “explosions” of light. I had some asshole go flying by me, clearly speeding. I shined the speed limit sign up ahead and the guy slammed on his brakes and went the speed posted. I then proceeded to shine every sign he passed as he went down the road just to mess with him. I’ve also found it fun to surprise unsuspecting people… I was at a bar recently and when people I knew or figured wouldn’t get pissed came through I’d blast them. I had a waitress at a Buffalo Wild Wings that was slacking, so I blasted her in the eyes… then proceeded to give her a 38 cent tip… on a credit card. Hell, last night I shined the waitress at the bar in the eyes and she said “Thanks, now me and my unborn child are now blind.”… Yeah, she was pregnant working at a bar… Where’s her sugar daddy?

The reaction people have to a big splash of green hitting them is as good as you can imagine. Jumping, jaw drops, eyes lighting up and even a scream or two. Shining into peoples windows at an apartment complex is good times, shining bouncers is generally always funny, calling dibs on a girl while shining their ass makes it very clear as to what you just called out to your friends, making drunk guys chase it around on the floor, pissing my dog off excessively, and getting girls attention are the “general” uses I’ve found. I’ve also come to the conclusion that if I get arrested for anything, it’s about a 98% chance that a laser will be involved.

The army of BMXers with a laser has grown, and there is even a full blown freestyle rap about it… Why? I don’t know. I think it’s just because if you ride bikes, you probably have a lot of fun. Lasers are fun, BMX is supposed to be fun… boom! So I figured I’d ask a few questions to the ring leader, Catfish, and then get some testimonies from some others who have this weapon of fun to expand on things.

When you picked up your first laser(s) in China, what was your first thoughts that came to mind?
Catfish– Oh man..the greatest day of my life! We were in Shanghai China for the Asian X-games and myself (Name drops) Garrett Reynolds, JJ Palmere, Eric Holley, and I think Greg Illingsworth from South Africa- all were at this shady black market where you can buy 10 DVDs for 2 bucks and fake Louie V purses. There was some woman sitting on the ground going “LAZAH LAZAH”. I looked and saw it was a green laser and I aint never seent one of those before. I bought one for like 4 bucks and walked outside with it. There was a huge skyscraper next to the market and I shot the laser to the top and I about shit my pants. It was like a LIGHT SABER. This is the picture I took because I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I went back in and bought every laser she had. Over the course of my next 3 weeks in China I bought just under 40 lasers to bring back. I gave away some as gifts and sold the rest. They cost me about 3 bucks each average and I sold most of them for 30 bucks.

Approximately how many triple A batteries have you gone through since this discovery?
Sweet Jesus. Easily over 100.

A lot of people have been asking where you can get these lasers. I’ve been told it’s an exclusive club from Jesu.. I mean, Micah. Is this true?
It’s kind of hard to find them but Maddog found a website that had them for 20 bucks. I twittered it and a lot of people bought them. Last time I checked they were sold out. Haha.

Has a laser gotten you laid and or any form of loving from a female… or male?
It actually works the opposite. My girlfriend hates the lasers and she won’t spoon with me if I have it. I have friends that have certainly used the power of the laser for good.

What are your top 4 uses for your laser?
Fucking with people that cut you off when driving, scaring people in other countires, shooting people in buildings, and lighting up street signs on the highway.

Has the X-Games and Dew Tour approved the lasers for use to explain “what happened” during an event?
X-games no. At Dew Tour- My bosses have warned me about it. The funny thing was that this year (Namedrop)Guettler had one and he would shine ME while I was announcing. Pretty Funny.

Have you had any trouble with the law because of the lasers?
Oh hell yeah. I honestly almost went to jail in Cologne, Germany. Me, (Namedrop) Maloof, and Miles were riding down the block and I was shining cars with the laser. Miles yells “COPSCOPSCOPS” and I thought he was joking but sure enough I shined a cop and buddy floored it up onto the curb, two cops got out and were NOT stoked. I was scared but they let us go. Got warned by a cop in Estonia. Freaked a lot of people out in Mexico. When I went to Iraq EVERYONE told me to leave the lasers at home. Fuck that. I took 4 lasers to Iraq and I had no plans of being bad with them. The first night in Iraq, Rooftop wanted to see the laser so I let him use it telling him no matter what “Don’t point it into the sky!!!!” The damn laser shoots so far that I was scared an insurgent would be able to see the beam and kill us. Of course Rooftop doesn’t listen and instantly starts shooting it into the sky. I freak the fuck out and snatch it back. Two days later we are getting a tour of one of the defense rooms. It was one of those rooms that looked like NASA mission control. Lots and lots of important people watching everything that goes on in Bagdahd and surrounding areas. This was serious. In the middle of this tour, a high ranking officer comes up to our group and says “Who is Zachary Yankush?” Just by her tone I knew I was in trouble. I raised my hand and she pulled me aside. She says “I want you to be totally honest with me, On September 8th at 00:13 hours did you shoot a green laser beam over the housing Unit D?” I about shit my pants. I didn’t waste two seconds to sell out Rooftop. “Yes, but it wasn’t me. I had the laser but I didn’t shoot it, it was Mike. I told him not to!” She proceeded to tell me how dangerous it was and how I could be sent home. They told me how they have cameras that see everything. I was so pissed at Rooftop. I told him not to fucking shine the laser and now I’m getting damn near kicked out of Iraq. I freaked out for a good 30 minutes when they all told me it was a joke and they told the woman to mess with me. Not cool.

I heard you have some “Don’t Stop the Lasers” t-shirts, and limited edition “DK/Monster/Nike 6.0 Laser Pointers” coming out? Can you confirm or deny this?
We have a lot of big plans. I have been working with 6.0 in regards to having “laser holders” attached to the Air Cushs. Still waiting on the call back. There is some other things in the works. All I know is you haven’t seen ANYTHING until you see Bestwick riding vert and shooting lasers at the same time. AMAZING.

What is it about the lasers that make them so amazing? The best way I can describe the laser to someone is like this. The first time I saw Star Wars..I wanted a light saber. We all did. I had to wait 20 years but I finally got one. Green lasers are the best thing to happen to me. As pathetic as that sounds. It’s true. I love the laser.

Photo: Greg Dickson

Tony Neyer – “The most amazing thing about lasers is the faces people make when you hit a highway sign from a mile away.”

Ryan Guettler – “I guess some people are amazed by small things. I can not leave the house without mine. You just never know when you need it. I love other peoples reactions. It’s so funny getting someone in the eye from 200 feet away and they have no idea were it’s coming from hahaha.
Plus my dogs go crazy for it too they will chase it for 20 mins straight. I had the little red lasers which I got from a pet shop just to play with my dogs but they only go like 50 feet then you can’t see it. Then I saw Catfish’s green laser and it goes about a mile. Theres just so much fun to be had. The best is sitting in a tall hotel and getting all the crack heads on the street they just bug out and chase it and stuff hahaha.”

David Grant– “Haha probably the ability to make any driver in the world instantly hate you with the rear view mirror shot.”

Clay Brown / Pusher Magazine – “The fact that it can get you laid and in a fight all in the same night is amazing! People love em or hate em!”

Micah Kranz – “Lasers are the new dishwasher. Just you wait and see. Seriously all you have to do is pull that fucker out, shine a glass of ice with it and your not only the coolest guy at the party, you have a conversation starter. Also, If you put it on hot girls it just makes them walk over to you, a tractor beam of sorts. I’m sure that they were given to us by Aliens and we are just now starting to figure out their powers now. Ruin jocks football games! SO convenient!”

Pissed off drunk guy – You shined me with that laser and thought you were going to hurt me. I’m ready to fight if you are ready to fight with your gay laser thing. I’ll mess you up!”

Bar Bouncers – “Let me see that thing. I bet you $5 you can’t hit that water tower way off in the distance…. Holy shit!… I was kidding about the money thing.”
“Damn, where do you get these things!”
“They should give us these to mess with people when they start fights instead of a radio.”

Brian Kachinsky – “Although I don’t own one, I’ve seen the green lazer disrupt the productivity and concentration of humans across the globe. From coast to coast, and as far away as places like Germany, Denmark and even Iraq. It’s an epidemic and I see no end in sight.”

Reed Stark – “lasers make any party a rager! need more than 140 lasers?!? WHUT” (Twitter 140 characters response)

The amount of power in lasers is incredible, and the addiction is spreading faster than Guidos giving herpes to unsuspecting Guidettes. Does some of your favorite pros and industry types make you want a laser? A little, sure. Getting your hands on one is really the key to this. I’ve been tempted to toss a link out to give you a chance at this with the hopes of it spreading even faster than a vampire/zombie world take over. I just don’t know if I want to be responsible for this 50mW Green Laser Pointer for $19.95 plus shipping with a sku of J47 WEB that has features like a beam can be seen up to 12 miles away at night, true 50mw factory tuned output power of 50mW, wavelength: 532nm, that is operated by 2 AAA batteries, worldwide take over…. Or do I?.

So that’s that… I can’t think of anything else that can explain the hype. I can’t think of anything else that could possibly make any less sense and probably prove that you just wasted a lot of time reading about the biggest thing to happen to BMX since the 36 tooth sprocket and The Come Up….

Oh wait, maybe this world debut of Catfish’s single “Green Lazers Freestyle”?